I sit and write my manifesto as a sophomore at San Diego State University. Just this last week, we became the first college football team to get worse during a bye week. Washington State lost to North Texas 59-10 just a week after beating the Aztecs 36-13. This is enough for me to lose all faith in this program and has left me facing the harsh reality that my school will never be competitive while I’m a student. This handbook is not exclusive to group of 5 fans, and I urge fans of schools like Boston College, Oklahoma State, and northwestern to read this as well.

#1

Spread Transfer Portal Propaganda

Face it. You messed up. You accepted the tradeoff of having mediocre athletics to reap the benefit of whatever else your school has to offer. For me, that is palm trees and good weather, but right now, even 75 and sunny can’t remedy the pain my football team has caused. Thankfully, you chose to be a college student during the transfer portal era. The key to spreading transfer portal propaganda is to find “a guy.” There are two acceptable forms your guy can come in.

The first form is the backup of a superior school who left due to a lack of playing time. This is by far the easiest to spread propaganda on. Simply repeat the phrase ” Dude I swear we will be tuff next year we got a QB from (insert good program school here).” The school does most of the heavy hitting here but feel free to insert some facts about his star rating in high school or mentioning the other schools that tried to get him. It can also be beneficial to straight up lie about this guy. Things like claiming the only reason he didn’t get playing time last year was he fucked the coaches daughter can really elevate his story.

The second form your guy can come in is a transfer who produced on an inferior team. This guy requirers more research but can actually be even more beneficial than form 1. First, find a transfer who committed to your school that played at either an FCS school or community college. Second, look up his stats, odds are since he is transferring up a level his stats are already video game like however ALWAYS round up. it says he threw for 34 touchdowns last year? Sounds more like he threw for 40 to me. The benefit of this guy is if he has even a singular game of production it was YOU that swore he’d be tuff before anyone else did. However your guy making an impact is irrelevant here. It is proven by science that if you tell yourself a lie long enough you will actually start to consider it to the truth. The propaganda you are spreading is not for other people but rather yourself.

#2

Taking the spread.

Let’s be real here. If you have stumbled upon this handbook, your team is not going to be favored in any conference game. So why would we provide more added pressure to win the game? Simply take the points, still root for the win, but in the likely event the game gets out of hand, your $18 bet on your buddies’ book will keep you slightly more invested in the game. BUT BE CAREFUL. As a man of the ladies myself, I’ll do what they love best and have a man speak for them. Girls do not find it attractive when you bet on sports and act like its life or death. And when you celebrate your opponents three and out down 35 points like you just won the powerball they are going to get very suspicious. This rule also only applies when your team is not favored. In the event Vegas messed up and made your terrible school favorites ALWAYS take the moneyline.

#3

Rooting for the conference

You know what will make a bad team look worse? When everyone knows the teams they couldn’t beat suck. The world must know that Hawaii is a sneaky good team, so when San Diego State eventually loses by 4 touchdowns, we look a lot less bad in the public’s eye. Last year, the Mountain West was fortunate enough to get a team into the college football playoff, and I still haven’t stopped talking about that. Whenever teams from your conference play teams in their out-of-conference schedule you must root for them like they are your own team because you’ll know this will only help your teams narrative.

#4

The common enemy.

When things go wrong for a sports team, who is the first person the media turns on? The head coach, of course, and nobody should hate this man more than you. Not a single conversation about the team should go by without you bringing up how badly you want him out of a job. You are allowed to be as creatively evil with this as you want, because after all, it is all his fault. This is unique to every coach, but personally, I like to research their past. Anything from a DUI to being in theatre in high school can be used to humiliate the enemy in conversation. Eventually your passion for hating this coach will provide a silver lining for losses as you know his hot seat got just a little bit hotter

#5

When does (insert sport) season start?

Now I will admit this doesn’t apply to every school, but hopefully, your school is halfway competent in another sport. If your school is, then all attention should be focused there by week 6. Rooting for a sports team is one big cycle of hype and then letdown. And at this point in the year, we are the hype point of the cycle. So do your mental health a favor and maybe get really hopeful that your sophomore point guard will take the next step or something.

#6

The loose connection.

College sports make it possible to root for two teams. Those being the school you’re attending/attended, and the team you grew up watching. This step might require some stretching of the truth, so if you aren’t comfortable with that, skip to #7. Now, if either of your parents happened to attend a school with a good team, odds are you would root for them anyway. But have we ever thought to root for our grandparents’ school, or our cousins’ school, or even the school closest to where we grew up? I see no reason why you shouldn’t be allowed to gas light yourself into rooting for a new school based off a loose connection and it will 100% produce positive results

#7

The last resort

Transfer. Cut your losses and go live it up at Bama for the rest of your college career. The job opportunities and overall return on your college investment will go down drastically, but an SEC championship game is damn near priceless.

Finally,

The narrative is EVERYTHING

When the performance on the field leaves you nothing exciting to talk about, you must create your own narrative. This is really the overarching message behind this handbook. Your shitty school has left it to you to create your own story. And I’d argue that is kind of a beautiful thing. So go ahead and spin zone those rare wins in ways that would convince anyone your team is a contender, and overreact to the losses in ways that make you a liability to the safety of you and others. Because that is what sports are all about.

I hope this was helpful, and remember. There is ALWAYS next year