Now, depending on who you ask, just the action of sports betting is a sin in itself. However, I, along with nearly every 18-30 year old man in Ameirca is already too far gone to even have that conversation. Today, I will be going over the little things we all do that either make us less profitable or make us insufferable to be around.

#1 “The wings from a Pizza Place” parlay

Despite what the first image that came up when I searched “wings and pizza” suggests, the wings you get at a pizza place are NEVER good. Somehow, not a single one of the major American fast-food pizza joints has perfected the wing, and it is only a welcome addition when some of the buffalo sauce gets on your pizza.

The sports betting equivalent of this applies to the NFL. It’s when you parlay a team’s ML or Spread with the player with the shortest odds on that team to score. For example, the classic Derrick Henry TD/Ravens ML bet that seems so easy, but never is. Not only is this bet never as easy as it seems, but the odds rarely hit +200 or better these days, and it takes about a unit and a half to make sense to place. Because of the short odds, this is likely your main stake in the game, which creates an extremely conflicting watch. It becomes a game of rooting for offense, but nothing too explosive that you score on big chunk plays, just good enough to get us in the red zone. Once the third quarter hits and your guy still hasn’t crossed the endzone, you aren’t even happy when anyone else scores a touchdown. The “wings from a pizza place” parlay is especially bad when watching with an older relative or significant other. The classic remark they make of “I thought we wanted that team to score” when the backup running back just stole your guys’ touchdown forces you to explain in detail your parlay, which is guaranteed to turn off your significant other or make you look like a degenerate to any relative over the age of 50.

The key distinction to make here is that if you are parlaying a TD scorer with odds of +150 or better, it is no longer a “wings from a pizza place” parlay. The odds are juicier, and it usually isn’t your main rooting interest in the game, but more of an “if anyone were to score for us here, I hope it’s him.” Another common confusion is parlaying the ML with the opposing team’s shortest odds TD scorer. I’ve coined this as the “double dash,” deriving from the feature on DoorDash where you can get things from two different restaurants. Sportsbook bake in the negative correlation of the double dash and has the same things going for it as the previous exception.

#2 “The conversation lull beer sip.” Live bet

Alright stay with me here.

If you’ve ever been at a bar, you’ve probably had a conversation with a girl 2-3 points out of your league (she’s a 9, you’re a 6 kind of thing), and even the most charming guys like myself can only talk for so long before the conversation hits a lull, and you both awkwardly take a sip of your drinks. The sportsbook seems like a great tool to disassociate from an awkward social situation, the same way a sip of beer might be.

For instance, imagine you’re at a pregame as a loose invite where you don’t really know anyone. The vibes aren’t there from the get-go, but there is an empty couch with a TV showing the second half of Butler/DePaul. It is practically male instinct to sit on the couch and live bet a side here, but be aware that there is minimal winning to be had.

Listed are the possible situations

#1 You watch the entire rest of the game and your bet wins, and you don’t talk to a single person. BEST CASE SCENARIO (rare and everyone there thinks you’re super awkward)

#2 You get interrupted just while the game is getting good, and you are score watching through the night. BAD

#3 game gets out of hand early and you have to get up and mingle (BAD)

#4 A drunk guy you don’t know that has minimal knowledge of sports betting asks, “If you have a parlay on this,” and asks dumb questions the entire game, both ruining the game and your peace. (WORST CASE SCENARIO)

I could go on and on, but the moral here is that using sports betting as a vice is best done alone or with close friends and should never be used to cut the tension.

#3 “The in attendance paradox“

The optimal way to watch a game is in person, which truly is life’s greatest treat when you’re fortunate to experience it, but like all of life’s greatest joys its rare, expensive, and ephemeral.

It might seem like you’re making a good thing better by upping your units and having an extra rooting interest in the game, and I will concede that cashing a bet in person is a great feeling that comes with an unlimited supply of potential high fives at your disposal. However, we have to weigh the potential risks involved. For starters, it makes your day out a little more expensive when you lose. However thats nothing compared to how taunted you feel if you lose. The cheers around you, the sound pumping on the jumbotron, the high fives that could have been yours being passed around, the walk out of the arena as you’re faced with the impending traffic nightmare.

For these reasons, I have a rule to always take the home team (unless I’m a fan of the visiting team); however, I found this also has its downsides when I fall into the in-attendance paradox. It’s almost impossible not to feel down when an arena full of people is just as disappointed (plus the whole traffic thing still applies).

When in person, keep unit size regular or even maybe scaled down a bit for optimal enjoyment.

#4 The “Would be fun” live bet

I myself am not perfect and actually committed this sin earlier this week. Italy was miraculously tied 2-2 with Sweden in the Winter Olympics despite being outshot like 35-7. For more context on how crazy of an upset it would have been, they flashed a graphic showing that the Italy national team had 0 combined minutes on ice in the NHL compared to a large number for Sweden. Of course, Italy did not win, and I was left looking like an idiot.

It’s important to remember that these outcomes are fun because they never happen. It will still be cool regardless of whether you made money on it or not.

The exception to the rule:

March Madness.

#5 The inside info Kalshi bet

The betting discourse this Super Bowl felt a little different than previous years, in part due to the rise of prediction markets. A major “concern” raised with these prediction markets is how it really opens the floodgates for insider trading. I’m saddened to report that I personally knew some victims of the Mark Whalberg incident. Basically, what happened is Marky Mark’s daughter told her boyfriend her dad would be in attendance at the big game. There was a market open for him to be there, and her daughter’s boyfriend told a friend, who told a friend. In a shockingly short amount of time, every frat bro in the country thought they beat the system and put their parents’ allowance on it.

There were no survivors.

Plain and simple, if it’s too good to be true, it’s probably not true. Just take a moment and ask yourself if there is any way the brothers of Sigma Chi at UBuffalo are at the front of the information mill.

Let the Mark Wahlberg incident serve as the tragedy that builds safety standards, and at the very least, don’t bet like it’s actually a sure thing.

These are just 5 of the infinite sins out there because, at the end of the day, this is a hobby formed from a game we are designed to lose. So don’t overthink it and always play within your means!