A missing component of sports-related discourse is how we measure how chill someone is. To me, there is no better thought experiment than the blunt rotation. To perform this, we have to lay out some rules of the rotation first. The rotation consists of you and 5 other people. You and those 5 people smoke a blunt to completion and must remain at that location until the effects of the weed have worn off. The smoke session is at your house, and the weed is slightly above average.

Existing members

1. Russell Wilson

A first-ballot Nightmare Blunt Rotation guy for me. What really did it in for him was the story back when he was on the Broncos and was stretching across the aisles of a plane for 4 hours while his teammates tried to sleep. To me, nothing perfectly illustrated the levels of dork that are possessed by Russ more than that story.

The entire “Broncos country” era had countless corny and dorky lines that I could just never see myself ever bro out with him. I’d imagine Russ would either be doing some sort of stretch during the entire session or try to get way too deep about personal growth. Either way, he is firmly in the nightmare, blunt rotation.

2. Lane Kiffin

Would probably just get up and leave for a smoke sesh across the street that has slightly nicer weed and more funding for food afterwards. Would also publicly shame me so badly that we could never be friends again.

3. Brett Favre

You know who’s never catching an invite to smoke with me? A guy who stole money from fucking welfare. Not sure how he’d actually function in the rotation, but between the welfare fraud, the texting scandal, and the retirement thing, I just can’t do it. It’s kind of the opposite of Russ, where Russ would be ruining for everyone, but with Brett, I think I’d get so angry looking at his face that I just wouldn’t be able to have any fun.

4. Patrick Cantlay

I don’t have a whole lot of reasoning for this im gonna be honest. It’s mostly the slow play and the big ears that have just always made me heavily dislike him. If we allow the assumption that Cantlay does everything slow than he surely cant catch the invite to the smoke sesh.

5. Aaron Rodgers

Aaron is interesting because I could be convinced if it’s like a one-time thing. Given how fucking weird this guy is, he probably has some cool stories. I’d especially want to hear about his darkness retreat. However, I just know he’s going to eventually get into talking about psychedelics, and there is nothing I want less than to have Aaron Rodgers go on for 2 hours about how it changed his life. He’s also liable to say something so politically incorrect that it murders the vibe, and I’m just not willing to take that chance.

Honorable mentions

Antonio Brown – Everything he’s done since the Vontaze Burfict hit

Kirk Cousins – Corny

Fernando Mendoza – See above

Mack Hollins – Theres kind of a shoes on policy in my house

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – Probably a chill guy, he just doesn’t speak English

The case For Mick Cronin

The best way I can describe the vibe I get from Mick Cronin is “angry elf.” He’s been especially angry this season, which has created some very cringeworthy moments.

Below are just some of the things he’s done/said recently

• ejected his own player in the middle of a game
• called out a reporter for “raising his voice” (the reporter did not raise his voice)
• says he’s “got guys that think that are way better than they are and they are completely delusional.”
• gets mad he can’t trade his own players (kids btw)
• Begs for a big, nasty vodka drinking european to join his team for some reason

It is game after game with this dude, and it will stunt the UCLA basketball program for years if the administration lets him continue coaching. With players having more freedom than ever to choose where they play, it raises the question of why anyone would choose to play for this guy. I feel so bad for poor Donovan Dent, who was a top 5 transfer out of New Mexico in this last portal cycle, and now has wasted his last year of eligibility. Mick Cronin has been so bad that I actually think Donovan Dent doesn’t even care that he got paid $3,000,000 to transfer there.

You can have the “angry elf” persona and still make it work, and nobody does it better than Dan Hurley. Hurley never really takes it out on his own players or college beat reporters, and most importantly, is actually winning basketball games. Nothing about what Dan Hurley does should deter a recruit from committing to UConn. However, not even the Southern California weather and the rich basketball history at UCLA could convince me to tolerate Mick fucking Cronin.

I’ve personally seen enough from Mick to induct him in the nightmare blunt rotation. He can earn himself out of the rotation if he is either fired or apologizes to the reporter for falsely accusing him of “raising his voice.”

For now i’m going to demote Patrick Cantlay to honorable mention, making the nightmare blunt rotation Mick Cronin, Lane Kiffin, Aaron Rodgers, Russell Wilson, and Brett Favre.